The truth about New Zealanders and sheep

Every now and then on MSN, IRC, or in a game, it comes up that I'm from New Zealand. In almost all cases people will make the same jokes and ask the same boneheaded questions. I feel I must set matters straight once and for all — for the good of my country.

Yes.

All New Zealanders do in fact fuck sheep.

On a daily basis.

In New Zealand we shag sheep as though the apocalypse will probably arrive before dinner. On weekends we go out and get boozed, blazed, and randy as fuck before driving out to the country to tour the all-you-can-fuck sheep buffets run by the local farmers.

New Zealanders embrace polygamy. You may be disturbed by this, but we are not constrained by your moral, traditional or religious views. Our lust for the fluffy livestock overrules all such things, and is simply too great for one sheep to satisfy.

Also, we don't live in mammoth apartment buildings, stacked and racked on top and beside each other like Lego blocks. We all require backyards for our spouses to run free in while we're at work. Otherwise they would piss and shit all over the furniture. You get what I'm saying?

And our national sport is the Fluffofuckathon — a racing event where each contestant must propel a sheep down the 100 meter race track using only pelvic thrusts. Every year hundreds of spectators are trampled to death in the mad frenzy on the final race of the season. Everyone has their favourite team, but I personally root for Roger Ramjammer and his partner The Woolcano.



I am aware that such claims require photographic evidence. Lucky for you I just got married and have plenty of photos from my honeymoon.

Me and the missus outside the beehive in Sydney

Then we caught the train to downtown L.A. to see the pyramids

Then we drove up to Moscow to see the Eiffel Tower

There we rented pogo sticks and hopped over to the moon

From there it was just a short journey to China where we walked on the sun (fucking freezing this time of year)

I hope this has been educational.